Barely Breathing
He’s been lying in bed for weeks now
Pale, fragile,weak, and motionless…
A thousand tubes keeping him alive
And yet, he doesn’t twitch or move a muscle
He just lays there, in his own world, trapped
The tubes and machines offering no escape
He woke up once before
A beautiful smile plastered on his face
He held my hand, held me close
It brightened my day and i didn’t want to let the moment end
But he drifted back into his own world after
And he hasn’t awakened since
And here I am, waiting by his side
Till he wakes up once more
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the writer hopes…
the story is sad… knowing that wther or not he will wake or continue to be trapped…
it may sound like some literal piece… but it isn’t.
i don’t know who could hit the bull’s eye with what it really means. it’s quite vague, maybe…hehe…
i see the picture but i dont see it clearly. concentrate on the images more. you ended it well, but it lacked heightened drama somewhere in the development of that ending. its a good write and i hope i can read some more from you
yeah… i now notice it… haha… thanks anyway…;) i was wanted to fit everything in 14 lines. haha!
tubes? maybe a little to literal it becomes purely medical.. hmm… maybe try to alliterate so as the readers wont imagine a person in an iron lung just waiting.. well, i know that’s what you want to make us think, but i guess the picture just wont work..